Dork........ .......... .. . ...... ........... .. . ... ...... .. . .... ..... .. .... ... .......... .... . . ..... Yeah its morse code, no big deal
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
Randomize
