you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
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