Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
Found the puke drawer
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
