So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
was i over the top when i said that i wished they made v-neck pants to her?
no, there's no challenge. I live a humble lifestyle out of virtue.
You wear Armani Exchange.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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