Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Randomize
