Have you ever noticed every guy named Shaant has scene hair and date girls with racoons stripes in theirs
His name should be shouldn't
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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