On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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