you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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