ya dads aren't the best wingmen
I just threw up on my dentist
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
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