sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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