Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
you told everyone your name was brenda and you had the whole party chanting b-dawgg by the end of the night. successful.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
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Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
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and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
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