I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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