So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
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