It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
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