Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
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