Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
Randomize
