I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
