I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
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