Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
