dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
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