I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Randomize
