So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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