Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
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