Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Randomize
