I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
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