i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
Randomize
