You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
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