Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
