So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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