Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
