Have fun with your cool freestyling girlfriend!
She can rap better than you any day
Why do girls get to wear clothes that say "do me now" but guys don't have that kind of option?
I mean, what would the male equivalent of a slutty dress be?
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
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