Welp...herpes.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Nobody cheats on THIS.
Randomize
