The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
what is college for if not random hookup sex?
learning.
i would literally fuck learning if i could.
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize
