So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Randomize
