if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
Randomize
