Where are you?
In a non slutty way
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
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