if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
we were doing it doggy-style and i felt him pop that pimple on my back.I have mixed feelings about it
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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