so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
Randomize
