She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
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