my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
Randomize
