Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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