are you wasted or are you getting laid?
ebdebdebdebd
wow
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
