I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
