That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
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