mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
We have 10 gallons of home brew. And james has an amazonian blow dart weapon that sticks in bags and the wall. Come over
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
Randomize
