sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
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We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
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I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
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