When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
