miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
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