I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
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