if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
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