i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
She has the best kind of daddy issues
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
Randomize
