I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Randomize
