Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
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