Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
Randomize
