she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
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