Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
Randomize
