i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
Randomize
