I accidentally had phone sex last night
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
Randomize
